Monday, September 08, 2008


Yesterday, when filling out this meme from Phyllis at Ima on (and Off) the Bima, one of the items got me thinking. And thinking. And thinking. You know the way it goes. Your mind wanders from point to point until you hit on something that just invades your thoughts and keeps you up at night and wakes you in the morning.

I went to bed last night with my baby girl stretched against my back considering getting up to write. Or maybe just sneaking into the bathroom and scribbling ideas onto the pad of paper tucked into the book I was reading at bathtime. I even wrote this first paragraph in my head during those moments before sleep takes over.

This morning I awoke as Aba left for slichot and just wanted to get to the computer and write. But Batya was fussing and I needed to get her calmed first. (Darn molars!) So here I sit, three paragraphs written, a cup of coffee cooling on the table next to me and I haven't even touched on the thoughts that haunt me.


Or the lack thereof.

A long while ago someone told me that they felt sorry for me because when I die I'll find out that there is nothing. Now, going beyond the morbidity of telling someone that, I found it (and still find it) very sad. Let's just ignore the most obvious point: if there is nothing, then what does it matter what I believe?

I just can't imagine anything more depressing. To think that this imperfect world is it. This world filled with hate, violence, death and destruction is the best we can be. Really? This is it? There is no greater calling and purpose for humankind? I can't be the only person to find that sad. A bit pathetic, too.

I have to admit, that I prefer it my way.

I go about my day doing the best that I can. I work hard to make it a happy day filled with joy and brachot for my children. I try to teach them kindness and compassion. I teach them to be thankful for all that they have and to never stop reaching for what they want. I want them to see that the world, flawed as it is at this moment, is better than it was a moment before and will continue to improve because we improve it every moment that we live, work and strive for tikkun olam. And someday we will merit Mashiach's appearence and this imperfect world will be forgotten.

You can call me naive. You can tell me you pity me. But I will continue to do what I do because living without hope is something I just can't do.