Friday, August 14, 2009

Some Things Aren't Meant to Be

or Finding Meaning in the Seemingly Unmeaningful
or Having Faith When You Aren't Sure You Can

I'm about to get a bit esoteric. Just thought I'd mention that.

There is a thought in Judaism that every person is put on Earth to do a job. Once that job is done, the person dies. The usual examble of this is Boaz from Megillat Rut (he redeems Rut, fathers a son by her and then dies). I suppose this thought is pretty easy to get if you are talking about someone who had a very long life that was filled with obviously important work, but when talking about young children and stillborn babies it is a bit harder to figure out and accept.

This summer I had a brush with this idea.

On mikveh night I said my usual prayers and then said a special one to Hashem. I asked that if we were ready to add to our family, that we would get pregnant this cycle. If we weren't, I asked that it would be easy to accept. You see, I've started doing what one doctor said would never happen and another said was unlikely but possible. I've ovulated three times on a regular schedule. So heading into another month I had the idea that it was time.

I suspected about a week before I could test. I was tired. Very tired. I was cranky. My stomach was rock hard. I had heartburn.

Well, I've known about you for 3 hours now. You are just a faint little line barely visible on a white stick but I've been pretty sure about it for a while. I'm trying really hard to resist the urge to shout it to the world, but I want so much from this pregnancy and birth that I'm truly fearful of ayin hara. 6/26/09

On the earliest day I could test, I did and got a line so faint I thought I was crazy. But Aba saw it too. I was on pins and needles waiting to re-test. Three days later the line was still faint, but darker than before. Then the doubts started coming. Some days I was certain of it. Others I wasn't. Three days later I tested again.

Well little one. You are giving me quite the scare. I had thought a nice dark line would be waiting for me this morning. Instead I only have a slightly darker line. Faint and unphotographable (in any sort of focus). I've also had some very light spotting over these last two days. 6/29/09

I wasn't pregnant. Anymore. At some point I was. There was HCG in my system and the start of a new life in my body. My prayer had been answered.

This morning I was certain I wasn't. I just didn't feel pregnant. But now it is coming onto 11:00 AM and I'm ready for a nap. 7/1/09

During those six days I realized what I still wanted to do and what I still had to do. How was I going to get the clutter out of the house if I was sleeping the day away? Pregnant women can't detox so I would have to wait to finish my healing. There was so much stuff I wanted to do and it would all have to wait. Yes. I would have survived. I did move while four months pregnant with triplets.

And that seems to have been that small cluster of cell's purpose in this life. To show me that time doesn't stand still and I need to get a move on. You see, I'm not not ready for another child and yet I'm not not ready either. I'm almost ready. Just like I was almost pregnant.