Some Things Aren't Meant to Be

or Finding Meaning in the Seemingly Unmeaningful

or Having Faith When You Aren't Sure You Can

I'm about to get a bit esoteric. Just thought I'd mention that.

There is a thought in Judaism that every person is put on Earth to do a job. Once that job is done, the person dies. The usual examble of this is Boaz from Megillat Rut (he redeems Rut, fathers a son by her and then dies). I suppose this thought is pretty easy to get if you are talking about someone who had a very long life that was filled with obviously important work, but when talking about young children and stillborn babies it is a bit harder to figure out and accept.

This summer I had a brush with this idea.

On mikveh night I said my usual prayers and then said a special one to Hashem. I asked that if we were ready to add to our family, that we would get pregnant this cycle. If we weren't, I asked that it would be easy to accept. You see, I've started doing what one doctor said would never happen and another said was unlikely but possible. I've ovulated three times on a regular schedule. So heading into another month I had the idea that it was time.

I suspected about a week before I could test. I was tired. Very tired. I was cranky. My stomach was rock hard. I had heartburn.

Well, I've known about you for 3 hours now. You are just a faint little line barely visible on a white stick but I've been pretty sure about it for a while. I'm trying really hard to resist the urge to shout it to the world, but I want so much from this pregnancy and birth that I'm truly fearful of ayin hara. 6/26/09

On the earliest day I could test, I did and got a line so faint I thought I was crazy. But Aba saw it too. I was on pins and needles waiting to re-test. Three days later the line was still faint, but darker than before. Then the doubts started coming. Some days I was certain of it. Others I wasn't. Three days later I tested again.

Well little one. You are giving me quite the scare. I had thought a nice dark line would be waiting for me this morning. Instead I only have a slightly darker line. Faint and unphotographable (in any sort of focus). I've also had some very light spotting over these last two days. 6/29/09

I wasn't pregnant. Anymore. At some point I was. There was HCG in my system and the start of a new life in my body. My prayer had been answered.

This morning I was certain I wasn't. I just didn't feel pregnant. But now it is coming onto 11:00 AM and I'm ready for a nap. 7/1/09

During those six days I realized what I still wanted to do and what I still had to do. How was I going to get the clutter out of the house if I was sleeping the day away? Pregnant women can't detox so I would have to wait to finish my healing. There was so much stuff I wanted to do and it would all have to wait. Yes. I would have survived. I did move while four months pregnant with triplets.

And that seems to have been that small cluster of cell's purpose in this life. To show me that time doesn't stand still and I need to get a move on. You see, I'm not not ready for another child and yet I'm not not ready either. I'm almost ready. Just like I was almost pregnant.

A Bookish Day

My mailbox has been overflowing with books lately. Likely, this will take a couple months to get through, but I'm excited about them.


The Simple Faith of Mister Rogers by Amy Hollingsworth Yes, I got this one as a CD. I was hoping to get it on iTunes or Audible, but it wasn't available (maybe abriged, I can't remember) so I got the CDs. I'll load it onto my iPod and listen to it while knitting and walking. I'm hoping it isn't too preachy (he was a Presbyterian minister after all) but the other things I've read about him and listened to about him give me hope.

The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember by Fred Rogers This little book is more like an inspirational journal. Each page has just a sentence or two on different subjects. I've read a few pages and always find Mister Rogers inspirational. I absolutely adored him as a child and recently read an article about him and the love grew. I've started introducing the girls to him and today Shira told me, "I like Mista Ojas," as we sat watching it together.

Teaching Montessori in the Home: The Pre-School Years by Elizabeth G. Hainstock A thin volume that looks like it has some cute ideas for 2 1/2 to 5 years old. It also has a section for making a lot of the materials. This was one of the books Stephanie from Montessori Free Fall recommended in the final post of her recent series on choosing Montessori Materials.

Basic Montessori: Learning Activities for Under-Fives by David Gettman Also recommended at Montessori Free Fall. Seems to be a bit more in-depth than the other one. I've only flipped through both of them.

Choosing Simplicity: Real People Finding Peace and Fulfillment in a Complex World and Simplicity Lessons: A 12-Step Guide to Living Simply both by Linda Breen Pierce I think I'll read the 12-Step one first simply because I can read a section at a time. I'd love to find an IRL study group for this one.

What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington's Culture of Deception by Scott McClellan This was my KPCC book club book. To be honest, I wouldn't have picked it for myself and it will likely be at the bottom of the stack. But since it was part of my membership I feel like it was free so it isn't a loss that it sits for a while.

Weight Watchers Best Eats (No link because you can only buy them at meetings or used.) The newest cookbook with classic recipes. The great thing is that with most recipes when I "kosherfy" them, they become Core. Just flipping through I know I can fill up most of September's menus with this book. A good $9.95 and the center said that if we don't like it, we can return it at the next meeting. How can you beat that?

Bread and Fire: Jewish Women Find G-d in the Everyday edited by Rivkah Slonim I've been looking for something to help me get my spark back for Elul. So I'll be reading this and working through Tehillim. I'm hoping to find a women's study group for the coming year.

One Baby Step at a Time: Seven Secrets of Jewish Motherhood by Chana Weisberg This arrived last Friday and I read the introduction and first chapter on Shabbat. It is definitly one of those books to read a couple times because it won't all sink in the first time.