As Aba and I moved into a higher level of infertility treatments I made the decision to start focusing on my health. The bit of weight loss that came with it was wonderful, but I really wanted to feel good about myself. Strong and healthy and with a normal relationship with food so that I could be a role model for my children. Even then I knew that that would be the best way to help my children. I was feeling wonderful and so positive about my goals and I was certain that everything was fine.
Then the reality of being pregnant with triplets hit. I was tired. Walking to and from the car was hard. Doing much of anything was hard. I was forcing myself to eat enough. Decades of eating habits had to be overturned as I struggeled to consume 4,000 calories and enough protein, calcium, whole grains, vegetables, etc. I actually felt pretty wonderful during my pregnancy so I'm not complaining, but it broke those habits I had worked so hard to ingrain.
Then the delivery happened and depression set in. I'm an eater when I'm blue. A loss of faith went along with the depression and as my weight ballooned my self esteem plummeted. I never wanted to be that slovenly and frumpy mom yet that is what I've become.
As my girls hit four I know the time is now. If I wait much longer I will have to fight their self-image issues along with my own. That is something I refuse to do. I don't want to be a size 2. I don't want to have buns of steel. I want to go back to the place I was at in early 2005 when I felt great and was ready to conquer the beast of infertility.
I did that and now I need to protect the gifts that Hashem has given me.
